Religious Discourse | Sinful Enough

Mercy knew that this was going to happen eventually, and while they weren't sure if they were ready for it, they could certainly try to be as ready as possible. Bahem sat in front of them with his arms around one of the many pieces of religious scripture that the church had. He wasn't reading it, he was simply clinging onto it like a comfort object. They let him have a moment in silence, watching as his hands ran over the leather of the book and tapped nervously upon the covers. "Bahem, I know what you expect from me given what plenty of the others have said about you... but I'm not going to judge you for whatever you're going to say, alright?"

Bahem nodded, but didn't say anything else. After another moment of silence, Mercy sighed. "Bahem, you do have to talk to me. As much as I would like to help you with your worries regarding the word of Murmur, I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong..." The priest already looked as if he was going to cry, the poor thing. In a sense, he kind of reminded Mercy of some of the wayward souls that ended up on the church's doorstep...they paused themself as they remembered that, once upon a time, Bahem was one of those souls. 

Once Bahem started, he felt the words fall out of his mouth en masse, unable to stop himself from speaking openly and naturally. "If I... don't end up succeeding in sinning. If I cannot find myself in any of the sins that we currently are aware of, Does that mean that I am not meant for the church? Is that even possible? For succubuns to be so incapable of innate sin that the word of Murmur is useless? And what of indulgence and self-realization? Are those too things that one cannot find should they not fall under the church's acceptable levels of sin?" He was already starting to cry, and Mercy laid a gentle hand on his own, pressing both of their hands against the holy book in Bahem's grasp. "Bahem, you worry far too much. You let the words of the others poison your mind. I do know what some of the priests say of you, and what you yourself have said about how your lack of indulgence reflects upon you. However, I do not believe you to be as much of a failure as you might think."

Bahem doubted that, looking away for a moment as Mercy continued. "Sin is a very complicated thing. Just because we are born into one sin does not mean that we cannot fall into another, and just because we are born into a sin does not mean that it must control all of our life. You know that I indeed have my moments of greed." Bahem nodded, he had seen Mercy take a few carats off the top of certain fundraisers for the church, but they already had a mutual agreement of silence on that front. "However, I am not always a being of greed. I care for the infants of The Bunnery- and you of all buns would know that such a task is far from an act of greed."

"I... do suppose you're right. I've helped you before in the care of the infants and... I'm surprised that you and the other nuns can manage sometimes." Bahem laughed, and Mercy gave a small smile in return. "It's very similar to you, Bahem. Just to a different extent. You do have your moments of sin, even if you don't believe so. I saw you wearing that fancy brooch the other day, that is a minor act of pride, even if you don't know it." Bahem looked a bit surprised. He hadn't even thought about it, but he supposed decorating himself with anything other than his standard garb counted as indulging in pride. "And your eyes wander. Even if you don't see it, others do." The nun giggled lightly. "I've seen the way you look at some of your fellow priests and male nuns as they walk the halls, your sneaky little glances towards them, and the parts of their bodies that their decorative garbs expose. Only to look away the moment you think you're being disrespectful. That is lust, even if you have shame for it. Oleander does often talk about how well you're doing in regards to lust, actually."

 Bahem couldn't help but perk up a bit, only to be ashamed of the action and curl up a bit on himself. "Oh, no need to be so shy about it, Bahem. Oleander has many partners in the church and out of it, sexual and romantic. If I must encourage anything of you, it's to be proud of your romantic attraction to him." Bahem still felt himself shy away, blush appearing across the lighter portions of his face. "You sin enough for him, you know." Bahem looked up at them in shock. "What?"

"I know that's part of it, Bahem. You're worried that you don't sin enough for Oleander to see you as anything more than someone needing guidance. I can see it in your eyes when he praises others for their sins. Which, in case you had any doubts, counts as a show of Envy- even more proof that you sin more than you might believe." Mercy gave Bahem time to process what they had said, and gave him the room to speak his peace. "Mercy... all of this is very kind of you to say, but what is I am unable to become as much of a man of sin as he is, or even as much of a man of sin as his partners before me? Is that not... reason to be ashamed?"

Mercy's hands pulled Bahem's downwards along with the book in his arms, allowing his body to relax for a moment. "Bahem. Being a man of sin has nothing to do with being a man worthy of love. You are hard working, to the point where you must be helped to give yourself a break at times. You are passionate, you've been gaining new skills and new hobbies and you meet every one with great amounts of enthusiasm. You are starting to live your life again, Bahem, starting to show who you are outside of the church's whims. Not only does that make you a lovable bun, but it also shows you have the innate desire to sin. Some of Oleander's lovers have no personalities outside of sin, and while that's fine and good on occasion, I personally find them very boring. Don't tell them I said that though, I have a reputation to uphold."

Bahem laughed a bit at that, starting to loosen up a bit. "No, No I understand, Mercy... I guess I didn't think about the balance of sin and personality before. I also suppose that I thought too little of the church's freedom towards sin. I always imagined that I was too closed off to truly be called a member of the church, but freedom does go hand in hand with the ability to...avoid sin at times, yes?" Mercy nodded, showing their soft, gentle smile. "Yes, I do think you're starting to understand, Bahem." The priest gave a smile, a soft one similar to Mercy's, but genuine nonetheless. "Thank you, Mercy. This... helped a lot more than I thought it would." Before Bahem got up to leave, Mercy placed another book into his arms. "Here, Bahem. A collection of scripture that I personally put together. I supply books of them to the nuns of the Bunnery in order to make them feel better about partaking in sinless tasks. I really should have given it to you sooner, but I hadn't found the right time." Bahem looked at the decorated cover, there was no title across the front, simply a drawing of the church's cross. He held it close to his chest right next to his other bit of scripture. He knew that it was a book for all of the nuns that Mercy worked with... but it still felt special to him. As he began to walk away, he heard Mercy say one last thing.

"Oh, and Bahem? Do talk with me again if you're feeling this pained by your thoughts. Once again, I ask you not to tell anyone what I am about to say... but I hate seeing you upset."